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Things That Shaped Me: Part 1

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Friday, February 25, 2011

Things That Shaped Me: Part 1

I get accused of living in the past a lot and it is true that I have a memory like an elephant. I have already admitted to being boy-crazy but really, I have only been in love a few times and feel very lucky for the experiences I had that led me to Leo. There were other boys that I dated that put a stamp in my memory but only a few put their stamp on my heart. I love the song "Back in the Bottom Drawer" by Chely Wright because it rings so true. Without the boys that got away, Leo and I wouldn't be where we are today. I learned from each of them and grew because of them.

The Rebel: He was the cutest boy (besides Leo) that I dated. He was outwardly, movie star cute. It is cliche but he was tall, dark and handsome. He was a wild child and a free spirit that loved to break the rules and I think loved to see if he could get me to. He made me laugh and was so fun to be around and still was there for me during some of the worst times in my life (car accident, when my Papa died) and because of that, he will forever hold a place in my heart. I think we broke up because after dating someone before him for a long time, I didn't really want to settle down and be serious and he was ready to be an adult and settle down. I learned how to let go and that it was okay to sometimes break the rules. I learned from him that I wanted to go out with someone smart b/c he was really smart and we had some of the best conversations and he showed me what it was like to have a guy tell you he loves you and not be afraid to show it.

The Friend: If the timing was right, we'd be America's Sweethearts. He was my best friend since junior high and I think we took turns liking each other. When I liked him, he liked my friend. When he liked me, I had a boyfriend. When I got in the car accident, he sat by my bedside for two days. He is such a good guy. I am glad we are still in touch. There is not enough space to list all that I learned from him but mostly that guys make the greatest friends.

The Rebound Guy: Leo and I were seeing other people b/c I thought if he didn't know if he wanted to marry me after 7 years, I deserved to weigh my options. I went out with Rebound guy. He was cute and made me laugh but nothing ever came of it. From him, I learned that I really, really wanted to marry Leo.

The two guys that I regret the most:

The Blonde with the great smile. Leo and I got in a fight with him hanging up with me saying "We're done." My sister, our best friend and myself went out and a friend of mine was there with a crowd of his friends. The Blonde was one of them. We flirted and danced all night. He asked me for my number and kissed me goodnight. The next morning, Leo called. I asked him why he was calling me and he said, "Why not?" I told him I thought we broke up...that he was done. He laughed and said, "I was done with the phone call, not the relationship." The Blonde called me a few times but I avoided his call and I regret that. He was a nice guy and he deserved better than me avoiding him (and he was so, so cute). I learned from him that I didn't need Leo. I wanted him but didn't need him.

Then there was the Italian. He was the tallest Italian guy at 6'4 that I knew. We would flirt and dance at a bar called Amnesia and one night he walked me home. He was so cute and so sweet. We talked about our families and how similar they were. He said he knew I had a boyfriend but that we saw other people and could he be the other guy I saw? I said I had to check with Leo first. He asked if he could kiss me and I again said I had to check with Leo first to make sure we were seeing other people (a good girl to a fault). I went to Leo's apartment where he answered the door in a robe (I swear! Who wears a robe in college except maybe Hugh Hefner) and black socks and flip flops. I asked him if we still saw other people and that was when he informed me that we did not. When the Italian called, I had to tell him no. If I am being honest, that is where the regret is. I mean what would have really happened if I kissed him? Hmmm...I would have married him and he would be a multimillionaire that opens mail and catches raccoons (a girl can dream). Or as a very good friend always says, "He could be a workaholic that cheats on his wife." I doubt that he is but she is cleverly telling me that it might be worse with him and she is right (after all, the guy in the robe doesn't open mail and the raccoon is still enjoying his home under our deck and he's the real catch). I'm not sure what I learned from him other than I should have made sure Leo and I were seeing other people before letting another guy walk me home.

I ask Leo all the time if he thinks about or has regrets with past relationships and he always says, "Not really." I don't believe him. You can't live the life we live (having given our children a fatally genetic condition) and not once in awhile wonder if we had married someone else, would this not be a part of our lives? I know that sounds crazy and it only seeps in during my darkest moments but then I look at my kids and realize, it is better to have Nico and Tommy here battling CF than not have them here at all and what a sad world it would be without them here. And Belle...the world would be a lot less sunny if Belle wasn't in it and Gia is living proof of answered prayers so luckily those dark moments are far and few between and have nothing to do with how much I love my family and everything to do with what CF threatens to take.

Enjoy the video and see if you can relate!


At March 11, 2011 at 6:35 PM , Blogger Maria said...

Some of your posts make me laugh hysterically, some make me cry. This is definitely the cry one. I believe we all wonder "What if". But like Al Pacino said in Devil's Advocate "Free will, it is a bitch". We had our choices, we made this one. For better or for worse, that is the one we really wanted. And we can't answer that illusive question "WHY?" :)

At March 12, 2011 at 8:07 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I'm so glad that you can relate to the same stuff I am feeling. This was definitely a more serious post. Did you watch the video? It sums it up pretty well.

At April 25, 2011 at 9:03 AM , Blogger Kendra Mareva said...

What a coincidence - D and I had a "What if" conversation just last night. So glad all those what ifs didn't ever happen. I think the older we get the more we'll wonder and reminisce.


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