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Thursday, February 10, 2011

There goes that!

I don't know that I am a religious person in that I don't believe in organized religion. But I am a Christian that reads the bible and tries to go to church when I can. My faith is so strong that if I was called religious, I wouldn't mind. Many of my more knowledgable friends that are Christians, including my mother say that the enemy comes against you when you are happy, when you are faithful, when you are closer to God. I must have gotten too happy, too faithful or too close. I had two days where I felt alive and full of promise. Do not misunderstand me. I LOVE my family. I love being a mom more than anything in the world and that will always come first. There is a part of me that is separate from Leo and the kids. The writer. She was there before Leo. Before I was a teacher, before Nico, before the infertility, the CF, the twins, and Rocco. She was there and she came back. She has been there off and on for the last 30 years but this week, there was promise that she was back for good. That evaporated today when possibly the enemy came swooped down and stole the chance whispering in my ear, "Don't get too happy, too faithful or too close. I am right around the corner." Obviously, this is a topic for another time as it could fill a few pages.

Anyway, you are probably asking, "There goes what?"

First, Leo is still out of town. I had a meeting with the editor of the newsletter I contribute to and really wanted to find out if there was ever going to be an opportunity for growth (meaning could it lead to a job). Sadly, it never got to that point. Gia was a monster in the restaurant. The editor has no kids and cute, little maniacal Gia was probably the best birth control ever! The nurse from Tommy's school called saying he didn't feel good and his cough is bad. I could never play poker because I do not have a poker face (and think gambling is a waste of time). I was mad. They call me constantly saying his cough is distracting. He has Cystic Fibrosis!! He is going to cough. If he has no fever, there is no reason to miss school. So there I was as a mom on a mom's council looking like the world's worst mom because I didn't want to go pick him up. The meeting lasted 3 minutes and I couldn't even tell you what we talked about. She kept saying she understood but before I had kids, did I really understand how all-consuming kids are? Even as a teacher, the answer would be no.

I can't help feel like there was an opportunity to start on the path to make this dream come true and it flew away in the hands of my children. Why do some moms have no problem juggling their kids and a career and some crash and burn?

3 Comments:

At April 25, 2011 at 7:29 AM , Blogger Kendra Mareva said...

Ann, you have your hands full with more than the average parent so its no wonder that you're feeling overwhelmed. Anyone in your position would be. But, I assure you, there is no enemy out to steal your dreams or your happiness. You'll know when the time is right for "you," and you'll seize the opportunity.

 
At April 25, 2011 at 3:08 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I was trying to seize the opportunity when Google shut me down. They are my new enemy. Still wish I could stop editing and send some of my stuff out. I have become waaay too attached to the characters and am afraid to let them go.

 
At April 25, 2011 at 3:52 PM , Blogger Kendra Mareva said...

Hmm, I know the feeling. I guess it all comes down to how badly you want it. Getting published, that is. ;)

 

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