I Have Learned Something About Myself

I have learned that I can't write when I have this much stress going on. You'd think it would be the opposite but it is not. It is ironic because I could probably get 10 posts out of this week alone but when it is all happening, I can't make sense of it to get it down on paper (so to speak). Some random thoughts on each:
Tommy had tryouts for a travel baseball team. I hate tryouts. I want everyone to make it (this is why I am not in charge of anything competitive). Tommy has made some great friends and I just want them all to stay friends no matter what the outcome. If he doesn't make it, we have been down this road before. Nico didn't make this team at this age or the year after. It wasn't fair and it sucked but it was what it was and he moved on and became a better player for it. Tommy tried out for this team last year. He was too young and it was only to get the experience of a tryout but he wanted to make it more than anything so when he didn't, he was crushed. Does anyone ever end up totally happy? If you don't make it, you aren't happy. If you do make it but your friend didn't, you are happy that you did but unhappy because your friend didn't. Even when Nico made it and his friends did too, he was still sad for the kids that didn't make it because he knew how they felt. HATE TRYOUTS!!!

I have a doctor's appointment that I have to go to today that I am going kicking and screaming. Since the whole CF thing, I hate going to the doctor. I hate check-ups, I hate when I have a problem and I know I need medical intervention because I am afraid of what the problem is or what the intervention is. I know it is nothing but I still don't want to go to find out it is nothing. I will write about it tomorrow.

The summer is too long and I need the kids to go back to school. I'm just tired of the constant motion of the children. I'm tired of my door being a revolving door of who's coming and who's going. I am afraid to add up all the money I have shelled out. Nico has worked for all of it but still...I am going broke.

I have a wake to go to tonight. My aunt (well, not really but when you are Italian or at least in my family, everyone is an aunt or an uncle and this was one of my dad's best friend's wife) passed away suddenly. A funny story that I'll always remember about her is that when Nico was about 5, she said, "See this hand? It tickles." Nico responded by holding up his hand, "See this hand? It hits." Proud mommy moment. I told my kids they didn't have to go but that I have to take Gia because it is far. Tommy said in his sweet little boy way, "I'll go with you, Mom. I know you don't like this stuff so I'll go for support." I am sick about her passing away and feel for my uncle and her kids and grandkids. I'll be hugging my mom a little tighter today.

I hate sleepovers. I can't say it enough. Isabella is at my mother-in-law's house because she is going to the ballet. She called last night wanting to come home. Her stomach hurt her. Leo told her to drink tea and call again if she needed him to go get her. She fell asleep so she stayed. This morning there was the storm and I HATE not having all of my kids at home. She is scared of storms and I hated that she was far and I couldn't get to her. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. And I don't care if that makes me weird.