I Hate Saying This: Feelings That Resurface

Sometimes being a mom to my kids is really hard, exhausting and overwhelming. I know being a mom is hard, exhausting and overwhelming in general and I am not at all saying mine are worse than others. I am just putting it out there that on this day, this is how I am feeling. If you are feeling this way too, then you are not alone. There is that old saying about if everyone put their problems in a pile, people would pick their own problems back out but I would say it depends on the problems in the pile. Today, I would pick someone else's. Not someone else's kids. Someone else's problems. I still want my kids. Sometimes with all we deal with, it is easy to lose sight of the actual people in the bodies that roam around here. We are trying to get ready to go on a small vacation. The first part is with the baseball team and I am trying to prepare myself for the feelings that always creep in. The isolation of having my kids with their issues. It takes a stronger person than me not to let it get to them that their kids are different than everyone else. It's actually easy to forget until they start to dehydrate or are eating pretzels in the dugout or can't do something right away because they have to do their treatment. Even taking their pills is a small reminder that they are different. Of course all of the feelings go away when I think about how lucky they are that they are even playing. Some kids with CF don't have that luxury. Maybe that is why I am feeling so melancholy about the whole thing today: there is a tug of war between my brain and my heart. My brain knows how fortunate they are and how to stay that way, they have to take their meds but my heart hurts when Nico and Tommy cry that they are on vacation and don't want to do their treatments. That we can't even escape CF while we are on vacation.

The second part is with my whole family and I want to look forward to that part. My mom has spent the better part of the week saying it will be fine so I am going to trust that it will. It is easier to travel with family but the stresses are still there. In all honesty, I am jealous sometimes that my family is the only one that didn't dodge this bullet. I would NEVER want or wish that my nieces and nephews had CF. I only wish that mine didn't.

I have to do a sidebar here: I know we don't see everything but I think the reason I like the Sister Wives and even Jon and Kate Plus 8 better than the Duggars is because when all the families went on vacation, the Sister Wives and J&K showed how stressful it is to get a family ready to go. The Duggars make me feel like crap that I am screaming at my kids to give me their clothes and leave me alone for 5 minutes while I try and throw things we might or might not need in a bag that will inevitably be too big to fit in our van with the pack and play, stroller, golf clubs, diaper bag, kids' bags and pool bag. I never saw any screaming and while some argue it is because the older kids help the younger kids, the only thing Nico has helped the younger kids do is reach a tone or pitch in their voices that only dogs will hear. And yes, I could have been more organized (but then I wouldn't be the Queen of Chaos, would I?) but I didn't think I was going to the first part until 11:00 last night. Still not sure it is a good idea but we'll see.

Another sidebar: I have found a site: www.sparkpeople.com that is like Weight Watchers but it is free. You put in your goals and then track your food and exercise and I did that and was feeling pretty good that I followed it and even exercised (have I mentioned how much I HATE exercising). I know it takes awhile to see results but I GAINED a half a pound!!! Ugghhh....so frustrating.

I am pretty sure I will be offline until next Wednesday. I am going to go through withdrawal (okay, I just figured out that this whole time I was spelling this word wrong) but I am sure I will have tons to write about when I get back.