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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Figured It Out

I figured out why I haven't been able to sleep and I owe Leo an apology. Yesterday was the four year anniversary of when I lost Rocco. I forget that for the past four years, I am not able to sleep around December 6th and 7th (I found out he died on the 6th and delivered him on the 7th). I'm sure it is a defense mechanism that my mind races with thoughts of everything else when really the sadness of that time is very close in my mind. You can't help but relive the events. My good friend, Kathy, came yesterday to watch Gia all day so I could go Christmas shopping. It was an invaluable gift because not only did I get a lot done but I was completely distracted all day until I went to bed and it hit me like a ton of bricks what day it was. Kathy, if you are reading, you helped me in more ways than one.

As anyone who has suffered a loss like Rocco, I often have thoughts of "What might have been." He would be four and I know it sounds crazy but it makes me sad that Gia would have had a sibling closer to her age. I didn't get pregnant with Gia until a year and a half after he died so she wasn't a "if I had Rocco, I wouldn't have you" kind of baby. I would have had them both (or who knows really) and the thought of a four year old little boy running around here does make me happy so there are times when my heart feels heavy with sadness but I am okay. He is never far from my mind or heart but I really am okay. I can look back and the whole thing feels like it happened to someone else. It was a very dark time for me but you can't look at my other three kids and raise someone like Gia and live in the darkness.

To read Rocco's story click here (It's part 1 of a four-parter).

The reason I am so distracted these days:

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