Bullying: Part 3-What Was I Thinking?

Right away, I knew I made the wrong decision. I loved my best friend but she had a much easier time transitioning to the new school. She had a magnetic personality which the other kids were drawn to. I think she welcomed the changes and was bound and determined for it to work. I hated wearing the uniform. I was a straight A student but I was lost from the start. The teacher kept referring to "last year" and since I wasn't there, I had no idea what she was talking about. I must have had issues with the Catholic religion even back then because I remember not liking that part of it. The classes were small and there was a tight bond among the students because they had known each other since they were little so I was an outsider and I missed my other friends. There were more tears over not fitting in anywhere and knowing it was too late to change it. I was so lost that even going back to the school with the bullies seemed more tolerable. My mom, bless her heart, saw how bad it was and said, "You could always go back to the other school." I didn't even think it was an option. We talked to my dad and he agreed that I could go back. Even now, I think about that and wonder if I would have been as understanding and supportive as they were. To go through the pain in the butt of pulling out of the one school and registering for the Catholic school only to pull out of the Catholic school to reregister at the middle school really does show how they would have done anything to make sure their kids were okay.

My dad brought me to register for the middle school and I remember him being very encouraging saying things like, "Oh, look how big the gym is" and "You even get your own locker." I know he was trying to ease my nerves and finally he said, "If anyone tries to push you around, it's because something is wrong with them. Feel bad for them but it's okay to push back because no one should ever push you around. Show them that you'll stand up for yourself and they'll leave you alone." I put up with the endless questions about where I was and was it really because of the bullies that I went to the other school. I told everyone that my mom wanted me to go to Catholic school and my dad didn't so I tried it, didn't like it and ended up back at the middle school. For a week, I walked around waiting for the bullying to start. I think 7th grade was the last time someone could describe me as shy. I made some new friends and remember it not being as bad as I thought it was going to be. I still had my friends that I was sad to leave and they welcomed me back with open arms. I was still terrified to see the older girl but got to a place where if she wanted to fight me, I'd fight her and I'd do the best I could (I grew my nails long so I could pull hair and scratch with the best of them). That was easy to think and to say but actually feeling it and living it was very different. I remember when I finally did see the older bully, a week after I got there, she scowled at me and my first reaction was to look the other way in fear but something came over me and I scowled back at her. That was it. A scowl. She looked at me shocked but she left me alone. No fight. No tears. No big climax to the end of the bullying. Just a flipping scowl. Maybe she was tired of being the bully as much as I was tired of being bullied. That was the last time I had to deal with anyone bullying me.

One thing I regret was that I loved cheerleading and I didn't try out. I didn't try out for volleyball either. I was so afraid to do anything that would put me in the front and center of people that I gave up things I loved. I didn't want to give the bullies anything more to hate me for. I did end up playing volleyball in 8th grade and high school and cheered in high school but it took a whole year and then some for me to get over the whole experience. I let a group of girls have so much power over me that I changed schools and tried to be different than what felt right for me. I almost let them win.

Monday's Post: Bullying: Part 4, The second story and an overview.