Things That Shaped Me: Infertility Part 2

Five weeks later, I had a backache but didn't think anything of it. It kept getting worse so I called the doctor and he said I just had a backache and to take it easy. The night that followed was the night from Hell. I remember I felt like I was in labor and that I must have been pregnant with the spawn of Satan because he was breaking through my stomach to get out. I knew something was wrong and was really afraid I was dying. I dropped Nico off for what I thought was an hour and instead it was for three days. I endured an awful ultrasound and an even more awful surgery because I had a tubal pregnancy that was erupting and the pain in my shoulder meant I was bleeding out. It seemed that the scar tissue trapped the growing baby. I remember crying before going into surgery and begging the doctor to please let me leave with all the parts I went in with. I was afraid that I was so damaged that I was going to need a hysterectomy. My doctor was able to save my tube and after two blood transfusions and three days in the hospital and a trip back to the ER for unusual bruising, I was on the road to recovery. It took two weeks and my mom, bless her heart, took off work to come over every day until I was okay enough to take care of Nico. That was February of 1999 and I thought it was the worst we would ever go through. We got the okay to start trying again and I will tell you that after feeling like someone was ripping apart my insides, that was the last thing I wanted to do.

The most insulting part was that insurance companies make you try for a year before they will pay for you to see a specialist (if you have coverage at all) and it starts over if you have a pregnancy which the tubal counted as. So I was stuck between grieving for the baby I lost and being disappointed that I couldn't get pregnant again. All while still trying to enjoy Nico wondering if we'd ever be able to give him a sibling. I have said before that I am the oldest of five girls so the thought of Nico not growing up with a brother or a sister made me very sad. It wouldn't have been the end of the world but it did make me sad. A year went by of every month wondering if I was pregnant and not being pregnant only the difference from when we were trying for Nico was that I had the fear of another tubal pregnancy. This time everywhere I looked was big families or pregnant women toting around other kids. It was killing me that it wasn't happening. The thing about secondary infertility (the inability to conceive after having a child naturally) was that there was no place to deal with all the emotions. I had a child so women that suffered from primary infertility didn't want to hear how I was upset not being able to get pregnant again when their arms were still empty. The rest of the world had a whole lot of advice for me (again, things you should never say):

All of the same things from the previous post.

Just enjoy the child you have. I always found it ridiculous when people said this to me. I didn't need anyone to tell me to enjoy Nico and just because I wanted another baby didn't mean I wasn't enjoying him. One didn't have anything to do with another. In fact it was because I enjoyed Nico so much that I wanted more kids. I wanted more little Nicos.

At least you have a one child. Other people were allowed to want more kids but if you were having trouble having more than one, you should be satisifed only having one. My heart and my head wanted more kids. It's like saying, "Well you have one arm. I know you want two but you should be satisfied with the one you've got."

You better hurry up and give that kid a sibling.I hated when I would be at the park with Nico and some well-meaning person would come up and start talking to me and the conversation would inevitably lead to this. I wanted to say, "Look, person that I have known for 30 seconds, I AM WORKING ON IT!"

After a year of disappointments, I wasn't ready to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Some people that deal with infertility can't wait to see the specialist, find out what's wrong and have a plan to fix it. Some go years in denial and some, like me, want the solution to be as simple as possible so they stay with their regular doctor and try everything possible without having to admit to themselves that there is a real problem. The doctor ran tests on Leo and me. Leo had good swimmers and I had to have a laparoscopy to remove a cyst they found on the ultrasound and my doctor was convinced that I had endometriosis that was causing the problem. I had the surgery, he removed the cyst, found very little endometriosis or scar tissue but discovered I was allergic to latex. Leo and I went to Vegas a week after the surgery and I will tell you that an allergic reaction over a large part of your body in the Vegas heat is not fun. I was put on Clomid alone first and nothing. Then I was put on Clomid and did two artificial inseminations and still nothing. Each time we tried something new, my hopes would soar. I just knew that had to be the answer. When it wasn't, the doubts would creep back in. I would question everything from why would God make it so hard for me to have kids to maybe I married the wrong guy and that is why it was so hard to maybe I wasn't a good mom so I was being punished with not having more kids. Was I being punished for something else that I did?

I could not wrap my brain around having to inject myself with hormones to get pregnant when there were couples that just jumped in bed and made a baby. I was uncomfortable with the whole idea and tried avoiding it until my doctor, who I loved, gently said he did all he could do and gave me the name of a specialist. We met with the specialist and after he reviewed everything, he said, "You have a good ovary on a bad tube and a bad ovary on a good tube. IVF (InVitro Fertilization) is your only option." I burst into tears.