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When Will I Stop Being Mad?

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

When Will I Stop Being Mad?

On this day, 15 years ago, Leo and I got married. He is going fishing. He left at 5:00 this morning to play basketball and won't be home until 11:00 tonight. I can't help think: no birthday gift or special way to celebrate, no anniversary gift or special way to celebrate. As we get older, do special days and celebrations fall by the wayside? Fifteen years sounds and feels like a big accomplishment but maybe it isn't. Maybe I am making more out of it than I should. My feelings are hurt. They have been since my birthday and when he went to Vegas. I hesitated about whether to say anything on here about it but now maybe people will understand where my frustration in some of the post comes from. I could have written a post about how much I love him because I do or the things we've shared over the years because there have been many but I can't write it, if I am not feeling it. I could have put that mask on that so many do that everything is perfect and wonderful and rainbows and balloons all the time but I can't do that. If, for nothing else, this blog is an honest one. And the truth is that marriage is hard. Just because you are happily married doesn't mean that there aren't bumps in the road. We are human and we screw up and we hurt each other and we become lazy and we take each other for granted. I know that there will be decades of more love and good times mixed in with the bumps but for today, I will not think about that. I will only think about how much I want to take the fishing pole and shove it up his ass. I think he forgot how mad I can get and I will take great pleasure in not doing his laundry until he remembers.

5 Comments:

At June 22, 2011 at 9:31 AM , Blogger sloyer_d said...

hahahaha...sorry for your pain of course...but love the fishing poll part. Life is so full...of good and bad. As I ran this morning I had so many flashes of things that have been hurting me race through my mind...to the point of tears. I stopped to lay on a metal grate on the side of a hill and breathed...watched the storm clouds race by with the wind and prayed. My strength came back to me and I ran home. I realized at every given moment...the noise of thoughts, emotions, response, fear and worry creep into all our minds. The noise never ends. But what I do have is right in front of me. At that moment...clean air..the sound of the wind in the trees...the sun peaking through the clouds and a run to be had. So I did that. And that felt good. What is RIGHT in front of you? Will that help? Even for a moment? When we constantly want what is not right in front of us...we inevitably get hurt. I read some Zen this morning...it is so true. How can we master living in the moment and stop the noise in our minds?

I mean it never goes away...NEVER WILL...so how do we tune it out and see if for just that...noise? We are brilliant...loving...creative and incredibly sexy women. I say screw the noise.

 
At June 22, 2011 at 11:57 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

The noise is a little loud in my head right now but this made me think of something. I need to find something to quiet it and maybe that will help. Glad you had a good run today. I am going to go try and see what is right in front of me. :)

 
At June 22, 2011 at 1:20 PM , Blogger Rochelle said...

What if whatever is right in front of you is blocking what you truly need to see?

I don't even know what the hell that means...I just wanted to comment! :P

 
At June 23, 2011 at 6:20 AM , Blogger Kendra Mareva said...

Sigh. Guess I'm just going to have to take Leo over my knee when I get there.

***

(I spent a few secs imagining him over my knee - me trying not to collapse under the weight - and am currently laughing my ass off) :P

 
At June 23, 2011 at 7:12 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Rochelle, that actually makes sense to me. :)

Kendra, laughing my ass over here as well.

 

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