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An Old Obsession to Distract From the New One

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Saturday, August 6, 2011

An Old Obsession to Distract From the New One

My head is still spinning and I think I am still numb. I only cried once yesterday and it was with Leo, who has risen to the occasion and been my rock. Whoever said the waiting would be the worst part was right. The more you wait, the more your mind plays tricks on you. Did the doctor really say that? Is it as uncomplicated as he said? What if he is wrong and it is worse? What if the new doctor doesn't have the same plan that the oral surgeon had because I liked his plan: cut it out and you are done. Leo probably said the one thing that brought me enough comfort that allowed me to sleep last night. I cried that I hated the word and that I didn't want to have it. He said, "You don't  have it. They cut it out already. They are just doing the next surgery as a precaution (or something like that)." I like that and I am going to think of myself as not having it anymore. He then followed it up with, "Maybe it was all those strawberries you ate when you were on that kick." This upset me enough to google it and every article said strawberries fight against cancer. I felt better until I came across one that said that California approved a pesticide to use on strawberries that they knew caused cancer. This made me think, did I bring this on myself?

So in all of this, I kept thinking that the silver lining is that not being able to eat since Tuesday afternoon, I was going to for sure lose weight. I realize that I am a little obsessed and with everything going on, I can see it getting bad because it provides a distraction. So I stepped on the scale almost giddy and really wanting to feel some sort of happiness and...NOTHING!!!! Not even an ounce lost! I mean...what is that? Talk about adding insult to injury! I was told to throw my scale out the window but if I do that, I'll obsess about more serious things. For now, I'll just kick it when the number doesn't go down.

I want to thank all that emailed me or texted me and offered their support and help. T.O., thanks for ALL the food you brought. Every food that someone that can't chew can eat. The Edy's shake things are sooooo good (probably why the scale hasn't moved but it is low fat!) and the soup was a welcome change. J.D. thanks for the prayers and the smoothie. I need to mention a thanks to K.B. for bringing me chocolate not knowing what was going on and letting me pour out the story to you on my porch. Thanks to K.J., K.T. and J.B. for coming over right after I texted you and watching me cry hysterically on the phone with the doctors. Thanks to D.W. for letting me vent and making me laugh over the IM in the wee hours of the morning when I couldn't sleep. Most of all, thanks to my family: my mom and dad, four sisters(and their husbands) and BFF, R.C. for coming over with dinner, feeding my kids and telling me it was going to be okay. I know I am going to need your help and I know that you won't blink an eye to do it (though I still hate asking). R.C., thanks for going to Ruby Tuesday's and picking up food. Wish I could have eaten the tilapia but the mashed cauliflower was delicious! G, thanks for taking the twins overnight and all day yesterday. It was nice not having to deal with the "who can I calls".

Whether you emailed me, reached out through FB, texted me, called me, came over or offered a silent prayer, you are proof that I have a great family and great friends. THANK YOU!


At August 6, 2011 at 8:19 AM , Blogger sloyer_d said...

We cannot control the pesticides that are on all our food except to eat all organic which we cannot always afford. We have all been exposed to these. You did not do this...your body is having a strange mutation in that spot of the cells. That's it. Leo is did get it out and now they are doing a double check...he is right. Keep in mind that if you are not getting good nutrients in...that can make you more depressed and weaker...and your mind can spin take vitamins...drink smoothies that have lots of vitamins and such baby to help keep your spirit strong too. Body can't heal and repair without the right nutrients. Give it food to fix. xoxo

At August 6, 2011 at 8:46 AM , Blogger Crystal said...

(((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))) my dear friend. Sometimes there are just no words that will do.

At August 6, 2011 at 11:14 AM , Blogger Andy D said...

Ann Marie - Your strength is amazing! You will be fine and then we will get the families together and play "popcorn"!!!!! Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Love - Andrew, Carrie, Bella, Lia, and Baby D'Amore.

At August 6, 2011 at 2:44 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Di, it makes me afraid to put anything in my mouth at all. Hard to get anything in anyway. Still hurts to chew or swallow.

Crystal, sooo right...but you commenting and supporting helps.

Andrew!!!! You read my blog!!! That made my whole day! I can't wait to play "popcorn". I think we have Saturdays that are free in September. Thanks for the love and prayers! Means a lot.

At August 6, 2011 at 6:46 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

AnnMarie -

There are no words. I am sending you warm thoughts and prayers. You have an amazing amount of strength in reserve that you didn't know was there and you will find it as you need it. Accept all the help that is offered and take care of yourself so that you can, when recovered, take care of your children (as they need you). My mom sends her prayers as well.

Robin (Horowitz) James


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