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Sunday, August 7, 2011

Random Thoughts

Since that is all I can put together these days. I want to thank the anonymous person that dropped off some things for me yesterday. I am guessing it is someone Greek because it was Greek Style Chicken Soup. I can only think of three people that are Greek that might have done it: VP, CC or JP, if it is any of you, thank you. If not, please let me know if you are the one so I can thank you.

I didn't realize that I hadn't gone out in public since I found out. I had to yesterday. I had to take Tommy to practice and stay for a parent meeting. I had told one of my friends who was there but there were three others on that team that I hadn't told or didn't know if they knew. I give people who can keep this stuff to themselves a lot of credit. The whole time the coach was talking and then when my friend that didn't know was talking, I kept feeling like I had a neon sign on my head. I needed to tell her because I might need help in the near future with getting Tommy to practices. It's a lot easier telling people on here than it is in an email or in person. I'm fine and there is a good chance that this will all be over and done with soon but you hear that word. The "C" word and it conjures up bad thoughts. So I can see it in people's faces. It's jarring to hear. I was telling her and I kept saying "I'm fine. I'm fine" but the more I said it, I could feel tears welling up and I knew I was going to lose it. Just then two other moms from the football team came up and introduced themselves. I hope that I composed myself to where I didn't look like I was about to cry. I don't want that to be their first impression of me. I excused myself and then bolted for my car. I didn't even hear my one friend who already knew calling my name. I knew I was going to lose it and wanted to be in my car when I did. She caught up to me and we both had a good cry. It just feels so surreal. It feels like I am talking about someone else.

As far as emailing, it is the same thing. It just feels unbelievable and a little full of myself. There are friends that I want to know. Friends that have helped me through some of the worst times in my life and I want to email them because they were such a source of strength but what do I say? "Hi, I haven't talked to you in over 6 months. I have cancer." (God that makes me want to vomit. Oh, wait...I forgot...I don't have it anymore. They cut it out.) Everyone has crap going on in their life...they don't need mine on top of it.

I tried getting out with friends yesterday and I completely appreciated it (love the lemon bars and if I could drink, the daiquiri in a pouch would have worked) but I was so completely distracted that I know I was a buzz kill. We talked a little bit about it and I started to cry (I am so tired of being the crier). I love my friends so much and it felt good talking about it. We started talking about all the stuff we normally talk about and I just could not focus. Along that line, writing my book (the romance one that I can't decide if it is young adult or adult) is something that normally brings me so much joy but I can't do it. I hate that I can't do it. I am stuck. I can't get to the place where I care that the main character is caught in a love triangle.

I always thought if something like this happened, I would do things differently. I'd be nicer to my kids, I'd contact people I haven't talked to in awhile, and I'd make more of an effort to publish a book. I know I am not dying. These are just thoughts I had whenever the "C" word came up. You know, when you hear someone has it and you instinctively think, What if it was me? The funny thing is I am not doing any of those things. All I want to do is sleep and wake up when it is over.


At August 7, 2011 at 11:26 AM , Blogger Chris said...

'The funny thing is I am not doing any of those things. All I want to do is sleep and wake up when it is over.'

That sounds like a normal response to a very stressful situation, sweetie. Most people who get up to those things after a dx of cancer don't do it two or three days after their diagnosis. Give yourself time, hon. Scream, cry, rant, rave... you can pick up the grace and calm in which you function all the rest of the time at a later date. Don't let this be the straw that breaks you...praise in the storm sweetie. That doesn't mean you can't be angry or sad or scared...just keep looking up and talking to Him. He's listening.

At August 8, 2011 at 5:57 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

AnnMarie -

I agree with Chris - you are responding normally. You really need some time to process and you need a plan from the doctors. You need to know more before you can "handle" things. You will be the person you thought you would be, you just can't at this moment. Right now you need to do for you, so you can do for others later. Give yourself a break. Grieve for the loss of the person you were (because, even though the cancer is gone, it has changed you) and allow yourself to feel what you feel.

Then, and only then can you be the person that you wrote about. Daily life will go on and you will have to cope with all the "normal" stuff that was your life before. How you choose to do that after you have a plan, is entirely up to you. You have the ability to be the person you want to be, but don't think that you can be Superwoman ALL the time. You can't. Take it day by day and make the little changes you can.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." ~Mary Anne Radmacher

At August 8, 2011 at 6:11 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks for letting me give myself a break (even if it is only for a short time), Ladies. Robin, I love that quote!


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