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Saturday, January 7, 2012

Follow Up to Yesterday

After talking to a friend about yesterday's topic, I see now that it isn't just cut and dry like I originally thought. People sweep for all different reasons: they don't like confrontation, they are afraid talking about it will make it bigger than it is, they think by not sweeping they are causing less drama (I disagree on this one) or they might just need to process things before reacting to them.

When I said I had kept calling Rochelle to see if she still sounded funny, my friend made the comment, "So you weren't really allowing her to be her." It wasn't an accusation. It was an observation and one that stopped me in my tracks. Was that really what I was doing? All these years, that is how I handled the situation. I just always kept calling or seeking her out until it felt normal again. My friend was right! I wasn't allowing Rochelle to be her. She hates confrontation and sweeping is how she handles things. In my house growing up,with 6 women (including my mom), if you were mad, there was no stewing about it. You were called out on it and it was discussed and you got over it but that is how I was brought up. That is me (and by the way, I hate confrontation just as much as the next person but if someone is worth it to me, I'd rather be uncomfortable for a minute than for a week).

Now it has me thinking, where is the balance between letting the person be who they are and feeling like you are being iced out or ignored? I have had it turned around on me when trying to let someone be that way. When we finally did talk, they said they hadn't called me because I wasn't calling them which led to me saying I was giving them space and them telling me nothing was wrong. Which also leads me to ask: why are relationships so difficult? I'm sure it has to do with our background and how we were raised and different experiences that we have had. The other thought is how many times do you give someone a pass for their behavior by saying, "That's just how he/she is"? I've dealt with that for years with my in-laws. When I am being treated rudely, Leo will say, "That's just how she is." That does not make it right. I guess we have to decide how much tolerance we have for that kind of behavior. Do we like the person enough to forget being treated rudely? Are we mature enough to see the bigger picture and let our friend put our friendship on hold until they sort out or deal with their own issues? How many dings in our armour does it take before we say, "I'm done"? We all have issues and baggage and we are all exhausting in our own right. The question is, do we give enough to the friendships in a positive way to combat our own issues? The funny thing is that when I  look back and try to remember if I ever tried to sweep something under the carpet with anyone, I was always immediately called out...even by the sweepers! The old double standard...a recurring theme.

After having these conversations and thinking a lot about it, I have come to the conclusion that Rochelle can sweep away. I will let her be her because I love her. And I'll keep being me because it works for us. Another funny thing is that Rochelle and I have had a lot more conversations since then and each time she tells me of something else that might have been going on with her when we had talked and I thought things were off so in a sense, maybe it is a little of I know her so well, I just know when she has a lot on her mind and that it had nothing to do with me because I am not her whole world. I am just a small part.

Thanks, Rochelle for letting me use you for this discussion. I am done discussing it (I think). I value our friendship and its easiness. I couldn't navigate the roller coaster of marriage and children without you! You keep me sane!

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