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Friday, August 5, 2011

So Predictable

My life is starting to play like a bad Lifetime movie. I am not going to be all dramatic about this or make it sound bigger than it is but I got the results back and it is cancer. Basal carcinoma that is localized. Apparently if you are going to have cancer, that is the one to have. I wish this comforted me but it doesn't. The surgeon said that they took it out when they did the biopsy but they have to go back and take the surroundings to make sure it didn't spread. If it didn't, once it is out, that is it. At least this is what I think he said. After he said the word cancer, the room started spinning. I know this could be much worse. I know I am going to be fine. I am not going to be dramatic or emotional about this. I just want it out. I called the ENT guy they referred me to and he is on vacation (of course he is). The earliest I can be seen is August 16th. I asked to see someone else and they said the earliest I can see him is August 18th. Are you freaking kidding me??? So you call me and tell me I have cancer but that the prognosis is good once they go in and check the surroundings but are making me wait 2 weeks to get it out?? Something sounds so very wrong about that. I am waiting until they call me after they send the pathology report to the doctor's physician's assistant. Maybe he'll say I have to go in sooner.

I know I am not going to die from this but I don't want to have more surgery and maybe in the face of other cancers that need a lot more, that is selfish. I hate having to depend on anyone and  it seems like I always have to. I am so unbelievably tired of being this person. I am tired of being the person on the other end of the phone crying about something else that has gone wrong. Tired of being the Debbie Downer. I will think positive, I will take something from this, blah, blah, blah...but for right now...for today, I am mad. I am in shock that this much crap can actually happen to one family. I will only take comfort in that it is me and not my kids or Leo (remember the nurse post?). I hate going to the doctor for check ups so the fact that my world for a little while (hopefully) is going to revolve around doctors appointments sucks. I know that if I hear one more doctor spout out a bunch of percentages, I will punch him (or at least want to). What are the percentages of winning the lottery or publishing a book? Why can't I be in those groups?

I told my kids. I didn't want them to hear it from someone else. Nico was very matter of fact and asked if when I have the next surgery, will they get it all out. I said yes and he went on his merry way. I told Tommy and Belle thinking they'd be the same way. Nope. As soon as I said the word cancer, Tommy started crying and asked if I was going to die like a friend of ours did (E.H. if you are reading this, J touched more people than you think. Even Tommy misses him.). I told him no, that is was different. Belle was fine until she saw Tommy cry and then she tried very hard to make herself cry which I know shouldn't be funny but it still made me laugh. I forget that Tommy has an old soul and feels things a little deeper. They were both fine after I explained it to them and once they found out that they were sleeping at my sister's, they forgot all about it.

I wondered if I should blog about this. It feels good to write it down and forces me to not be so dramatic about it because I don't want to be that person. I want people to hear about it from me so they get what is really going on and not the tragic version and this seemed like the easiest way to do it. I thought about keeping this a draft but then I wouldn't be able to write anything else. Seeing people out and about with all the petty stuff that goes on and how it would look like I cared about all of it would be a lie. For now, all I can think about is wanting it out and done and over with. I never was a good liar. Maybe writing about it will force me to find humor in it or at the very least not feel sorry for myself. Maybe I'll regret posting this because everyone that reads it will know but maybe it will make people that hear less afraid to talk to me because when we find out stuff like this, what is the first thing we think? What should I do? I am telling should act like you always do with me. If you want to email me, email me. If you want to text me, text me. If I haven't talked to you in awhile, and you feel like it, do. Nothing like something like this to rekindle a friendship. Just don't call me because I still can't talk. If you see me out in public and you want to hug me, hug me (I'm a big hugger). The worst thing that will happen is that I'll cry and so what? The whole world has seen me cry.

I named this "So Predictable" because if this is truly the story of my life, how predictable that there is a freaking chapter on cancer?? How predictable that they tell me I have no risk factors at all and that there is a very small chance and then I have it?? Should I mention the odds of marrying another carrier of CF?

On a serious note, yes, I am mad at God. Maybe I am a bad Christian because I question His hearing right now. Maybe I am bad because I question Him at all and this enough for me to say, "I'm done." I'm not going to say that though and even in light of this, my faith is still strong. I can't look at Gia or how well the boys are doing and not see His good work. His miracles. Maybe He is answering a prayer that I shouldn't have said. I can't count how many times I prayed, "Let it be me and not them." I believe that He will get us through this and it will all be okay. Maybe that is another reason I am posting this: I'm not sure I can pray for this on my own. I think I need your prayers as well.

Edited to add that they squeezed me in on Monday at 3:30. I am not going to analyze this and think it is scarier than I thought because they want me to be seen sooner and instead feel grateful that I am going sooner to get it taken care of. It is just for a consultation so I'll know more then.


At August 5, 2011 at 5:57 AM , Blogger Declare Order said...

Sigh...Not what I wanted to hear. I mean, I know you will be able to get rid of it, but it adds more doctors to the mix. Ugh. Sorry this is happening, AnnMarie. Keep your chin up ;) and send Tommy (baseball teammates now!) over to play anytime.

At August 5, 2011 at 8:30 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks, Leslie! I'll let Tommy know!

At August 7, 2011 at 11:16 AM , Blogger Chris said...

Oh babe...I'm sorry. :( I know this is a lot to absorb, and I'm glad that the office was able to get you in sooner rather than later. (((hugs))) Keep breathing my friend...


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