This Page

has been moved to new address

Secrets

Sorry for inconvenience...

Redirection provided by Blogger to WordPress Migration Service
body { background:#aba; margin:0; padding:20px 10px; text-align:center; font:x-small/1.5em "Trebuchet MS",Verdana,Arial,Sans-serif; color:#333; font-size/* */:/**/small; font-size: /**/small; } /* Page Structure ----------------------------------------------- */ /* The images which help create rounded corners depend on the following widths and measurements. If you want to change these measurements, the images will also need to change. */ @media all { #content { width:740px; margin:0 auto; text-align:left; } #main { width:485px; float:left; background:#fff url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_main_bot.gif") no-repeat left bottom; margin:15px 0 0; padding:0 0 10px; color:#000; font-size:97%; line-height:1.5em; } #main2 { float:left; width:100%; background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_main_top.gif") no-repeat left top; padding:10px 0 0; } #main3 { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/rails_main.gif") repeat-y; padding:0; } #sidebar { width:240px; float:right; margin:15px 0 0; font-size:97%; line-height:1.5em; } } @media handheld { #content { width:90%; } #main { width:100%; float:none; background:#fff; } #main2 { float:none; background:none; } #main3 { background:none; padding:0; } #sidebar { width:100%; float:none; } } /* Links ----------------------------------------------- */ a:link { color:#258; } a:visited { color:#666; } a:hover { color:#c63; } a img { border-width:0; } /* Blog Header ----------------------------------------------- */ @media all { #header { background:#456 url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_cap_top.gif") no-repeat left top; margin:0 0 0; padding:8px 0 0; color:#fff; } #header div { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_cap_bot.gif") no-repeat left bottom; padding:0 15px 8px; } } @media handheld { #header { background:#456; } #header div { background:none; } } #blog-title { margin:0; padding:10px 30px 5px; font-size:200%; line-height:1.2em; } #blog-title a { text-decoration:none; color:#fff; } #description { margin:0; padding:5px 30px 10px; font-size:94%; line-height:1.5em; } /* Posts ----------------------------------------------- */ .date-header { margin:0 28px 0 43px; font-size:85%; line-height:2em; text-transform:uppercase; letter-spacing:.2em; color:#357; } .post { margin:.3em 0 25px; padding:0 13px; border:1px dotted #bbb; border-width:1px 0; } .post-title { margin:0; font-size:135%; line-height:1.5em; background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_arrow.gif") no-repeat 10px .5em; display:block; border:1px dotted #bbb; border-width:0 1px 1px; padding:2px 14px 2px 29px; color:#333; } a.title-link, .post-title strong { text-decoration:none; display:block; } a.title-link:hover { background-color:#ded; color:#000; } .post-body { border:1px dotted #bbb; border-width:0 1px 1px; border-bottom-color:#fff; padding:10px 14px 1px 29px; } html>body .post-body { border-bottom-width:0; } .post p { margin:0 0 .75em; } p.post-footer { background:#ded; margin:0; padding:2px 14px 2px 29px; border:1px dotted #bbb; border-width:1px; border-bottom:1px solid #eee; font-size:100%; line-height:1.5em; color:#666; text-align:right; } html>body p.post-footer { border-bottom-color:transparent; } p.post-footer em { display:block; float:left; text-align:left; font-style:normal; } a.comment-link { /* IE5.0/Win doesn't apply padding to inline elements, so we hide these two declarations from it */ background/* */:/**/url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_comment.gif") no-repeat 0 45%; padding-left:14px; } html>body a.comment-link { /* Respecified, for IE5/Mac's benefit */ background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_comment.gif") no-repeat 0 45%; padding-left:14px; } .post img { margin:0 0 5px 0; padding:4px; border:1px solid #ccc; } blockquote { margin:.75em 0; border:1px dotted #ccc; border-width:1px 0; padding:5px 15px; color:#666; } .post blockquote p { margin:.5em 0; } /* Comments ----------------------------------------------- */ #comments { margin:-25px 13px 0; border:1px dotted #ccc; border-width:0 1px 1px; padding:20px 0 15px 0; } #comments h4 { margin:0 0 10px; padding:0 14px 2px 29px; border-bottom:1px dotted #ccc; font-size:120%; line-height:1.4em; color:#333; } #comments-block { margin:0 15px 0 9px; } .comment-data { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_comment.gif") no-repeat 2px .3em; margin:.5em 0; padding:0 0 0 20px; color:#666; } .comment-poster { font-weight:bold; } .comment-body { margin:0 0 1.25em; padding:0 0 0 20px; } .comment-body p { margin:0 0 .5em; } .comment-timestamp { margin:0 0 .5em; padding:0 0 .75em 20px; color:#666; } .comment-timestamp a:link { color:#666; } .deleted-comment { font-style:italic; color:gray; } .paging-control-container { float: right; margin: 0px 6px 0px 0px; font-size: 80%; } .unneeded-paging-control { visibility: hidden; } /* Profile ----------------------------------------------- */ @media all { #profile-container { background:#cdc url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_prof_bot.gif") no-repeat left bottom; margin:0 0 15px; padding:0 0 10px; color:#345; } #profile-container h2 { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_prof_top.gif") no-repeat left top; padding:10px 15px .2em; margin:0; border-width:0; font-size:115%; line-height:1.5em; color:#234; } } @media handheld { #profile-container { background:#cdc; } #profile-container h2 { background:none; } } .profile-datablock { margin:0 15px .5em; border-top:1px dotted #aba; padding-top:8px; } .profile-img {display:inline;} .profile-img img { float:left; margin:0 10px 5px 0; border:4px solid #fff; } .profile-data strong { display:block; } #profile-container p { margin:0 15px .5em; } #profile-container .profile-textblock { clear:left; } #profile-container a { color:#258; } .profile-link a { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_profile.gif") no-repeat 0 .1em; padding-left:15px; font-weight:bold; } ul.profile-datablock { list-style-type:none; } /* Sidebar Boxes ----------------------------------------------- */ @media all { .box { background:#fff url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_side_top.gif") no-repeat left top; margin:0 0 15px; padding:10px 0 0; color:#666; } .box2 { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_side_bot.gif") no-repeat left bottom; padding:0 13px 8px; } } @media handheld { .box { background:#fff; } .box2 { background:none; } } .sidebar-title { margin:0; padding:0 0 .2em; border-bottom:1px dotted #9b9; font-size:115%; line-height:1.5em; color:#333; } .box ul { margin:.5em 0 1.25em; padding:0 0px; list-style:none; } .box ul li { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/icon_arrow_sm.gif") no-repeat 2px .25em; margin:0; padding:0 0 3px 16px; margin-bottom:3px; border-bottom:1px dotted #eee; line-height:1.4em; } .box p { margin:0 0 .6em; } /* Footer ----------------------------------------------- */ #footer { clear:both; margin:0; padding:15px 0 0; } @media all { #footer div { background:#456 url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_cap_top.gif") no-repeat left top; padding:8px 0 0; color:#fff; } #footer div div { background:url("http://www.blogblog.com/rounders/corners_cap_bot.gif") no-repeat left bottom; padding:0 15px 8px; } } @media handheld { #footer div { background:#456; } #footer div div { background:none; } } #footer hr {display:none;} #footer p {margin:0;} #footer a {color:#fff;} /* Feeds ----------------------------------------------- */ #blogfeeds { } #postfeeds { padding:0 15px 0; }

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Secrets

I'm sure the very title of this post sends my family in a panic. Not to worry, I am not going to divulge any of our family's secrets. Every family has them, right? I remember when I was little, I had to do a family tree assignment. I wanted to interview my Nana but she said to interview my dad's side because there was "bad blood" on her side. Little pieces of a story has been told throughout the years. It is not my story to tell so I'll only say that there was mention of a well known mobster being smitten with my Nana's mother. I love to listen to stories from my parents and my grandpa about when they grew up. They are either really good at hiding them or there really aren't any family secrets for them to tell.

Since I have this blog, you wouldn't think I have any secrets but I do. Let me explain. You all know, because you read this, that my boys battle Cystic Fibrosis (hate, hate, hate) but when I just meet someone, they don't know. I'm pretty sure that only 3 or 4 families on Tommy's baseball team know. Not everyone on Nico's baseball, basketball or football team know. People we meet for the first time may or may not know depending on if the person that introduced us to them told them. If someone asks me or it comes up, I don't deny it but I don't offer it up either. Is it a secret? Yes, because I want to hold onto them not knowing for as long as I can. I WANT it to stay hidden. Some wear what they battle as a badge of honor and that is great. It works for them. We've just never been that way. They don't want to be known for it. THEY want it to stay hidden. If we had to explain to every person we met that the boys live with a chronic condition, we'd walk around in a constant state of fear because just talking about it brings that up.

Sometimes Rocco feels like a secret. People ask me how many kids I have and I answer four. It would be too complicated to explain Rocco to people which lends itself to horrible guilt for not always acknowledging him. I can talk about him without falling to pieces but to tell his story brings me back to a dark place.

Some secrets are just for me. Wait...is sneaking in a shirt to buy at Target with the groceries a secret? Is not telling him I got a sitter so I could have some free time at Barnes and Noble a secret? Secrets that are just for me aren't as heavy as the ones I keep for my family.

The amount of energy it takes to keep a secret is exhausting. I sometimes wonder if that is why I am tired all the time. It takes a lot of effort to keep the secret hidden. It's not just the actual disease. It's embarrassing side effects from the many meds they take. I want to stress that I am not in denial. For the most part, I live with a dark cloud over my head that swoops in with reminders all the time. But the times I choose to keep it a secret, it moves the cloud away temporarily and I can pretend that we are just like everyone else. I can pretend that CF isn't a part of our lives. Again, if it comes up, I will tell the truth. I won't hide it anymore because that would be wrong. To lie about it would be wrong.

The people that know the secret...what do they think? Do they judge? Do they tell everyone they know? "Oh, you know them? They are the ones whose two boys have CF." Do they...do they feel sorry for us?? That thought makes me sad because we are so much more than that. The boys are so much more. A few years ago, we had a big party to raise money and collect gifts for our big fundraiser. Friends of ours threw the party and the support from the community was OFF THE CHARTS. It was very touching to see so many people care enough to come and donate. At one point, though...I had the thought of "Everyone is going to know. Everyone knows now." I wish I could be one of those people that when the truth comes out, it's liberating but it was more terrifying. The reason is simple: I do NOT want people to see the disease before seeing my sons for who they are. I want people to get to know them before they find out what they battle and then be shocked at their strength and ability to overcome anything.

There is a trust factor in people knowing your secret. It is simply know it, support me or my kids and keep the secret. It's not yours to tell. What's the old adage? Once you tell a secret, it's not a secret anymore. I hope that isn't true because there are several people that know a lot of mine and I trust they are in their vault. Revealing a secret is a relationship changer. I once told someone that meant the world to me something that I didn't want anyone else to know and she told people. We were never the same after that.

Is living with CF our only secret? Nope. Will I tell any of our other secrets? Not today. I'll go on being mentally tired from keeping them. I'll go on praying that no one finds out. Are they that big? Not really and some might even say, "What's the big deal?" That's the thing about secrets...when they are yours, they are a big deal otherwise you wouldn't spend so much time keeping them.

So I told you one of mine, who's brave enough to tell me one of theirs?

Linking up with Shell again:

22 Comments:

At May 30, 2012 at 3:46 PM , Blogger Adrienne said...

It's hard to find the balance on sharing things like your son's illness. You don't want to be the person who is constantly talking about it, but sometimes it's nice to share. For that release. But, you have to be careful who you share with. I think that's the key. Hopefully blogging about helps you feel some relief.

And yes, buying that shirt is a secret, but one I have too!! :)

 
At May 30, 2012 at 4:01 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I definitely don't want to always talk about it. I guess the best part of blogging is that I've already talked about it and it's always there so I'm already not hiding it without talking about it a lot. Does that make sense? Love that we share the Target secret. :)

 
At May 30, 2012 at 9:40 PM , Blogger Life As Wife said...

Everyone has their little secrets and that is ok! Some secrets are not meant to be shared.

 
At May 30, 2012 at 10:16 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

I think everyone has their secrets. Some are meant to stay close to the heart, and others are okay to share with those we trust.

Oh, and sneaking in that shirt at Target? Yeah, I have that same secret. ;)

 
At May 31, 2012 at 4:33 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Amen, sister!

 
At May 31, 2012 at 4:34 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I wonder how much money Target makes on all of us sneaking in clothes with our groceries. :)

 
At May 31, 2012 at 5:30 AM , Anonymous Kimberly said...

i have bipolar disorder and I don't go walking up to people saying "Hi I have bipolar disorder"...sure I write indepth about it on my blog...but it's different.
There are people in my social circle who don't know. It's not that I'm ashamed of it or in denial...I just don't want them to know. People start talking...then more...then more and then the stigma comes.
You do what feels good to and to your family.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 7:18 AM , Blogger Cathy said...

LOVED your post. We don't go around discussing our child's autism either. He doesn't know yet either. It's not exactly a secret, however nobody really asked and we didn't volunteer and that's ok.

I'm pretty sure his life is a lot more normal because of that, than it otherwise would have been.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 10:52 AM , Blogger Missy | Literal Mom said...

I'm not good at sharing my secrets. Except I do sneak into the kitchen and eat chocolate at night so my kids won't catch me. Brave post, Ann Marie.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 11:07 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I agree that it is different while writing it on a blog. I agree that it is after people start talking and adding their judgements and opinions that the stigmas come into play. I think you are doing a fabulous job balancing all that you do. Some days are probably hard and some are easier than others. I'm glad you are doing what is right for you.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 11:10 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I loved your last line because that is EXACTLY how I feel. The boys have an idea but don't really know the "life-shortening" part and I don't want them to because I believe there will be a cure before they need to know. That's called "hope" and it's all I have to go on some days. Glad you are reading and commenting. So happy you could relate. :)

 
At May 31, 2012 at 11:10 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I do that too!!! Thanks for the kind words, Missy.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 1:37 PM , Blogger Meredith said...

I wish I had better words, but I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing it so eloquently and being so honest.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 3:02 PM , Blogger Shell said...

I understand to an extent. I don't immediately start telling people about my Bear's lead poisoning, PDD-NOS, ADHD and everything else. I won't deny it, but I also don't feel like I need to explain all the details to everyone the second that I meet them.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 5:52 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Your words are exactly the right ones. Thanks for the kind words, Meredith. :)

 
At May 31, 2012 at 5:55 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Totally agree. When they were younger and I'd get dirty looks whenever the boys would cough, I found myself doing just that. Explaining and explaining. I don't do that anymore. I don't care if they think I've taken my contagious kids out. If they only knew how much I wish it was that and not what it really is.

 
At May 31, 2012 at 7:51 PM , Anonymous Galit Breen said...

I love how much of your heart you revealed here.

We all have secrets but, do I daresay, that most of us aren't as aware as you are about why we're keeping them?

(I adored learning more about you here, being "let in," I guess? Thank you for that.)

 
At May 31, 2012 at 8:03 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

You are an easy one to "let in" Galit. Your words continue to be inspiring. Makes me feel so good to know you are reading. Thank you.

 
At June 1, 2012 at 4:34 PM , Blogger Erin said...

I applaud and admire you for this post. I completely understand wanting people to see your boys for who they are and not what they have. They are more than a disease. I don't blame you keeping it a 'secret'.

Thank you for sharing. I love your positive outlook regarding a cure being found. I hope this doesn't offend you, but new advances in medicine are found each day. I hope and pray that one will be found!

 
At June 1, 2012 at 7:06 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks, Erin. Your kind words mean a lot and if it means one more person is out there praying for the boys, then that is awesome and I am glad I shared this. It doesn't offend me at all. Thanks for the support! Love that you are reading.

 
At June 3, 2012 at 7:50 AM , Blogger doseofreality said...

This is such an excellent post on so many levels. I am definitely going to be thinking about it for a long time after reading it, I can tell.
The interesting thing about blogging as an "open book" is that as much as you reveal, there is still much left unsaid.

 
At June 3, 2012 at 9:33 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

That is so very true! It makes me feel good that besides just ranting or telling stories about my kids, I can make people stop and think. Thanks, Ashley!

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home