Birthday Blues

I wanted to come here and write about all the things I am going to do this year. I was going to treat this birthday (and every one of them after) like a clean slate. I might...starting next year. I am not the kind of person that lets go of things easily. If something is making me feel like crap, it takes awhile for me not to feel like crap again.

I'm going to share with you why I have been in a funk. If you have been reading since last year (and I love those of you that have), you know I hate my birthday. Dread it like I dread going to the doctor. I told a friend of mine (K.M.) that her blog post about her birhtday inspired me and I was going to write the same even though I wasn't feeling it. I thought I could pull it off but I was never a good "faker" and this is an honest view so I have to be honest.

This week has been filled with disappointments and I can barely handle one more. Last week, Nico got into some trouble for running through people's yards. Six boys were doing it. Three got caught. Nico was one that got caught and maybe for the ones whose kids didn't, it isn't that big of a deal. It was a "wrong place, wrong time" kind of deal because the neighbor (not in my neighborhood) that called is crazy and everyone said it was a stupid call. Maybe. But for me...who got the phone call that he was in trouble, it was a big deal. A huge disappointing deal and one that I am having a hard time getting past. I'm sure it is like this in every town but parenting in this town is hard.

You can think you are doing all the right things and when you find out it just doesn't matter, it's disappointing and leaves you feeling like you want to take up permanent residence under a rock. Not just with parenting but with all relationships. It's been that kind of week.

I had a bunch of "Mommy Fails" this week. Gia gave up the binky for one night and when she woke up at 5:00am on a morning that I was already feeling like I couldn't take it, I gave in and gave her the binky. I just didn't see how I could expect my mom who is going to babysit her to deal with a crabby toddler and serve people dinner. It's not fair to her. So we'll start again tomorrow. The thing is that I already gave her the two toys when she gave them up and it was working so now I am back to square one. Second Mommy fail was when I let Tommy watch a mini-series that he begged me to let him and he saw someone hanged. I could tell it bothered him because he kept getting up and coming to talk to me and kept saying, "I've seen people die before on TV. Don't worry, Mom. It just bothers me when innocent people die." Scarred plus I am pretty sure there was a sex scene in the mini-series. Nico's trouble felt like a major one. I am a firm believer that kids are going to screw up and it is what happens after they do that matters but it is still disappointing when they do. I am totally getting "Mom of the Week."

I saw Snow White and the Huntsman on Friday and was disappointed in how it ended. I could have used a lot more Huntsman and a lot less Snow White. There was a weird story line with the Queen and Charlize was good but since Kristen Stewart doesn't really give much, it felt like Charlize gave too much with Chris Hemsworth in between. Just felt off balance and wish it would have had a better ending.

I'm headed back to Huntley for another baseball game which is really the last place I want to be today. After that to my mom's for my favorite dinner. I'm disappointed that one of my sisters isn't going to be there but if anyone understands how crazy life is, it's me so I get it. I'm still going to miss her. I'm looking forward to being with my other sisters and their families.

Because I can't just let a birthday post go by with all this "glass half emptiness", I will end it with a few hopes for this year:

I am hoping for no medical traumas or episodes.

I am hoping my writing keeps growing and that people still find this interesting. :)

I am hoping that I will finally have the courage to send in the two children's books and have finally finish the book I am going to miss writing.

I am hoping to make exercise a way of life (ughhh...even as I type it...ugh...I have to do it.)

I am hoping to live in the moment more and let go of the "what if" fears.

I am hoping that Gia gives up the binky and is potty-trained by my next birthday. :)

I am hoping that Nico has an easy transition to high school.

I am hoping that Belle has a better year in school.

I am hoping that Tommy stays the sweet kid that he is and that being in the oldest grade in his school doesn't turn him into a jack-***.

I am hoping that I can finally give up control of how I "think" my life is supposed to be and "enjoy" what it really is.


What about you? What is one of your favorite ways to spend your birthday?