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Sunday, June 3, 2012

Birthday Blues

I wanted to come here and write about all the things I am going to do this year. I was going to treat this birthday (and every one of them after) like a clean slate. I might...starting next year. I am not the kind of person that lets go of things easily. If something is making me feel like crap, it takes awhile for me not to feel like crap again.

I'm going to share with you why I have been in a funk. If you have been reading since last year (and I love those of you that have), you know I hate my birthday. Dread it like I dread going to the doctor. I told a friend of mine (K.M.) that her blog post about her birhtday inspired me and I was going to write the same even though I wasn't feeling it. I thought I could pull it off but I was never a good "faker" and this is an honest view so I have to be honest.

This week has been filled with disappointments and I can barely handle one more. Last week, Nico got into some trouble for running through people's yards. Six boys were doing it. Three got caught. Nico was one that got caught and maybe for the ones whose kids didn't, it isn't that big of a deal. It was a "wrong place, wrong time" kind of deal because the neighbor (not in my neighborhood) that called is crazy and everyone said it was a stupid call. Maybe. But for me...who got the phone call that he was in trouble, it was a big deal. A huge disappointing deal and one that I am having a hard time getting past. I'm sure it is like this in every town but parenting in this town is hard.

You can think you are doing all the right things and when you find out it just doesn't matter, it's disappointing and leaves you feeling like you want to take up permanent residence under a rock. Not just with parenting but with all relationships. It's been that kind of week.

I had a bunch of "Mommy Fails" this week. Gia gave up the binky for one night and when she woke up at 5:00am on a morning that I was already feeling like I couldn't take it, I gave in and gave her the binky. I just didn't see how I could expect my mom who is going to babysit her to deal with a crabby toddler and serve people dinner. It's not fair to her. So we'll start again tomorrow. The thing is that I already gave her the two toys when she gave them up and it was working so now I am back to square one. Second Mommy fail was when I let Tommy watch a mini-series that he begged me to let him and he saw someone hanged. I could tell it bothered him because he kept getting up and coming to talk to me and kept saying, "I've seen people die before on TV. Don't worry, Mom. It just bothers me when innocent people die." Scarred plus I am pretty sure there was a sex scene in the mini-series. Nico's trouble felt like a major one. I am a firm believer that kids are going to screw up and it is what happens after they do that matters but it is still disappointing when they do. I am totally getting "Mom of the Week."

I saw Snow White and the Huntsman on Friday and was disappointed in how it ended. I could have used a lot more Huntsman and a lot less Snow White. There was a weird story line with the Queen and Charlize was good but since Kristen Stewart doesn't really give much, it felt like Charlize gave too much with Chris Hemsworth in between. Just felt off balance and wish it would have had a better ending.

I'm headed back to Huntley for another baseball game which is really the last place I want to be today. After that to my mom's for my favorite dinner. I'm disappointed that one of my sisters isn't going to be there but if anyone understands how crazy life is, it's me so I get it. I'm still going to miss her. I'm looking forward to being with my other sisters and their families.

Because I can't just let a birthday post go by with all this "glass half emptiness", I will end it with a few hopes for this year:

I am hoping for no medical traumas or episodes.

I am hoping my writing keeps growing and that people still find this interesting. :)

I am hoping that I will finally have the courage to send in the two children's books and have finally finish the book I am going to miss writing.

I am hoping to make exercise a way of life (ughhh...even as I type it...ugh...I have to do it.)

I am hoping to live in the moment more and let go of the "what if" fears.

I am hoping that Gia gives up the binky and is potty-trained by my next birthday. :)

I am hoping that Nico has an easy transition to high school.

I am hoping that Belle has a better year in school.

I am hoping that Tommy stays the sweet kid that he is and that being in the oldest grade in his school doesn't turn him into a jack-***.

I am hoping that I can finally give up control of how I "think" my life is supposed to be and "enjoy" what it really is.

What about you? What is one of your favorite ways to spend your birthday?


At June 3, 2012 at 8:01 AM , Blogger doseofreality said...

First of all, happy birthday! :)
Secondly, Gia will not go to college with a binky, says this girl who sucked her thumb until age 8 (I so could have put that in the secret post, too, huh?!) and I turned out as normally as I could have, right? ;)
Finally, you know what, you are doing the best you can and it is better than average.
Remember that on the days that are hard. And I am pretty sure that no one ever was denied a job or a college degree for running across a lawn. :)

At June 3, 2012 at 9:11 AM , Anonymous Andrea said...

Happy Birthday!
I dread birthdays now too so I get that feeling.
Huge hugs mama. Know you are doing an amazing job!

At June 3, 2012 at 10:53 AM , Blogger Kendra Mareva said...

Happy Birthday Ann! :) Sorry it didn't start out on a happy note, but hopefully the day has surprised you with some unexpected warm fuzzies. Wish I could be there for your family birthday dinner - although, since I'm not family I probably couldn't attend anyway. lol. Anyhoo, here's to another year! *clink* Love you! xoxo

At June 3, 2012 at 12:41 PM , Blogger mCat said...

I love honesty posts!
I once had a very wise man tell me that the mere fact that I was raising boys meant that there would come a day when the police knocked at my door.

It happens. When it did with each of my sons (on different occasions, I told them that was their Mulligan and to never let it happen again. For two of them, they never slipped. My oldest put us through hell and I am pretty sure the cops just started adding our house as a "drive by and check on things nightly" list. BUT - to give you hope - they do grow up. Get their brain cells back and become outstanding human beings.

We are notorious for being hard on ourselves as mothers, but now that I am on the backside of the parenting course, we really need to cut ourselves some slack.

So.....grab your favorite beverage, some sinfully good chocolate, put your feet up and remind yourself that life is GOOD!

At June 3, 2012 at 9:05 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks, Ashley! This comment means a lot to me. It helps get out of a funk when friends are as supportive as you!

At June 3, 2012 at 9:06 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks so much, Andrea! I'll take the hugs and the nice words!

At June 3, 2012 at 9:19 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks, Kendra! It ended up being a pretty decent birthday. I might do a follow up post. You are always welcome at our family dinners.

At June 3, 2012 at 9:20 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I love this comment because it does give me hope that I'll survive these years! :) I did just what you said in the bottom of the comment. :)

At June 3, 2012 at 9:54 PM , Blogger Kimberly said...

Happy Birthday, my sweet friend!!

I know you've been having a rough time lately. Just think, tomorrow is a new day, a fresh start. It will get better. If it makes you feel any better, I've had some major mom fail moments lately. It happens. And that's okay. *hugs*

At June 4, 2012 at 7:12 AM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks so much! You're right, it's a new day. Thanks for "getting it" with the Mommy stuff. :) I just sent you a long email. :)

At June 4, 2012 at 8:18 AM , Blogger Erin said...

Happy Birthday!!!!

I don't look forward to my own birthdays anymore. I love celebrating with other people because it's the time that that person gets to shine. It's a special day that they entered the world.

With that being said I was pretty bummed this year for my birthday. My hubby tried to do something super nice and throw me a surprise 30th birthday party. His timing really sucked though! I would have been 37 weeks pregnant on my actual birthday (Nov. 28) so he had the party like 2 weeks early. Well not only was I having trouble coming to terms with turning 30, but I was like 35 weeks pregnant and I couldn't drink to soften the blow of being 30! I was not very nice to him and here he was trying to do a nice thing for me! Shame on me!!! I'm such a jerk!

Oh and as for the things going on with your kiddos, they are kids. Yes, he may have done something that you're not thrilled about, but it's an age appropriate thing to have done. Mistakes are made so that lessons can be learned. It's hard because you know what a good boy he is, you just want others to see him in the same light that you do. I've been there and I know I'll be back again sometime soon. It's easier to be on the outside, however.

At June 4, 2012 at 10:04 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! I have learned we can only do the best we can, no one is perfect. We raise our children with hopes and dreams for them but in the end they will become their own person. Remember kids will be kids, sometimes society forgets that. About the binky, give yourself a break, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. It will happen soon enough. And, I have not celebrated my birthday for quite sometime, I don't know why though.

At June 4, 2012 at 4:19 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

I'm a jerk that way, too. :)
That is exactly it about the kiddo trouble! You hit the nail on the head. "He's a good boy and I want others to see him in the same light." Thanks for getting it!

At June 4, 2012 at 4:54 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

It IS the hardest job in the world! Thanks for the birthday wishes. I just did another post and think I figured out why I don't like to celebrate it. :)

At June 4, 2012 at 4:54 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

At June 4, 2012 at 5:40 PM , Blogger Heather said...

Happy Birthday! Sorry about Nico's little slip. With everything else that 14 year olds could be doing it seems pretty minor. I know what you mean though about the worst part is feeling judged by others. It's so silly. Honestly if kids aren't testing boundaries every once in awhile or having a slip in judgement than they are not reaching their full potential as kids. Hold your head high in the neighborhood Nico is a good kid with good parents.

At June 4, 2012 at 8:37 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Awww...Heather, I love this comment! You are so right. It could have been so much worse and I love what you said about living up to his potential as a kid. Your last line means the world to me! Thanks for the birthday wishes and the endless support!

At June 5, 2012 at 10:12 PM , Blogger AnnMarie said...

Hey, Erin, just an FYI, I am having a hard time commenting on your blog. I've tried a few times. If you get multiple comments, sorry. I wasn't sure if they were going through. :)


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