The Path to Baby #4.

When you suffer from infertility and have kids but want more, some feelings never go away. The feeling of sadness that something that is so easy for others and so hard for you never goes away. Each time I would hear someone was pregnant, I would be happy for them but sad for me which in turn made me feel selfish. The most basic thing that women for centuries did with ease, my body would not do. In my mind, it was a total failure, even though I had three beautiful kids (which is why I was in therapy). The ache for the big family I had always dreamed of didn't go away just because I had my three kids. It stopped becoming the focus and would only sting once in awhile but it always hung there. When you have a number in your head of how many kids you want, when you don't have that many, it feels like someone is missing. It was a running joke when we would go out to eat with the five of us and they would sit us at a table for six. One of us would make a joke of how God was trying to tell us something. Even though battling CF was still a black cloud over us, it didn't make wanting another baby go away. It felt like a big pie and it wasn't fair that CF had 2/3 of the pie. If we had another baby with CF having 3/4 of the pie, it would have put me over the edge but if CF had half, then it didn't win and seemed more manageable. Why I saw it as CF winning, I don't know (maybe because I saw it then and still see it now as something that steals our joy). My therapist explained it and it made sense at the time but I can't remember now. I just know that was how I felt. I hated that it was winning.

For five years, every month I would wonder if maybe I was pregnant and every month, I was not. Some months, like when the twins were babies or after the Pepto Bismol episode, I would feel relieved but more often than not, I was disappointed. So roughly, that was 40+ months that I was disappointed, a week where I was angry or depressed because it wasn't happening. It didn't help that Isabella would pray every night for a little sister because she hated being the only girl. Once, when Leo was going to China, she asked me if Leo could bring her back a sister. That fifth year, while sitting in the doctor's office with some issues, he told me my options: Go on the pill (I hated the pill. I gained weight each time I was on it and how was I supposed to get my miracle baby if I was on the pill?), hysterectomy (NO!!) or get pregnant. I told him I was still praying that I would get pregnant on my own and the baby wouldn't have CF since those were the two things that broke me. All would be right in my world if I could just do that. He stared at me being a logical man and said, "Well, it's time to face reality. It's not really happening so if you are serious, you need to look at the next step. See the specialist and get the ball rolling." I love, love my doctor but I left feeling very deflated. I wanted another baby but could I really go through IVF again? Would Leo even want to? He hadn't brought up having another baby in a long time.

I went home and the conversation Leo and I had will go down as one of my favorites. He, of course, doesn't remember this conversation but he also doesn't remember the one thing I send him to the store for so he really isn't a reliable source when it comes to remembering things. I, on the other hand, would never forget a conversation so monumental in our relationship. He asked what the doctor said and I told him the three options and said sadly, "I guess I'll just go on the pill." He replied, "What if you didn't do that?" I got mad and said, "I'm NOT having a hysterectomy!" He replied, "What if you didn't do that?" I looked at him, mad that he wasn't listening and said, "The only other option is to get pregnant," to which he replied, "Yeah, what if you did that one?" I stared at him afraid to believe what he was saying was true. We were never on the same page about that and there we were, on the same page but what did that mean? I told him that the ball was in his court and he needed to talk to his HR person and look up the insurance. I didn't have the energy to look into it only to have him change his mind. The next morning when I opened my email, all the information was there. My heart swelled with hope that he was serious.